Waiting

Right now I'm in limbo.  I'm on the list, but I've had a couple of short trips for work, and I'm headed to Santa Fe for a few days next week.  When I talked to one of the case workers about being gone, she shared my concern that if I had kids placed with me, and then had to find a respite care for them so soon, it might not be the best situation.  So I suspect I've got a star by my name on the list.  :)  Which is totally fine with me.  I'm trying to use this time get on top of my preparation for classes, so that when I do have children placed in my home, I'll be a little more ready - I hope - to handle the transition.  Maybe?

I did get a call last week about providing some care during the day for a 10-month-old girl.  The couple she was being placed with was having a hard time finding childcare for her while they're at work, and they were hoping for me as a stop-gap measure.  The thing I love about my agency is that they are so up front - this little one cries all day long evidently, poor thing - and gracious - the case worker started with, "There's no pressure and you should not feel bad if you say 'no.'"  I did say "no."  I hated to do it, but I had my plan - get ready for the fall! - and felt like I needed to stick with it.  Plus.  Crying all day?  Yeesh.  Not sure I'm prepared for that.


On a slightly related note, it's been almost a month since E, J, and A left. I opened a drawer a couple of days ago in the dresser I used for the kiddos and found, like, three sets of pajamas that I'd put away and then never used for the boys. Oops!

Love.

I had a hard time sleeping last night.  I talked to a friend who does foster care, and she mentioned getting a call at 10pm about a child.  So I lay in bed - it was about 10 when I went to bed - panicking.  What do I do if I get a call at 10 at night?!  Or midnight?  Or 3 in the morning?  I'm not prepared for that.  I like to know what's going to happen; when it's going to happen.  And I kept thinking the phone would ring.

This morning in my reading of James, there were these verses, "Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.' Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that.'”

I was so struck by my "need" to know what's coming.  By my constant desire to be able to say, "Today or tomorrow..."  But that's not what God has ever called me to.  Always His call is "If the Lord wills...."

I want to hold on to that truth.  To be able to live in the now of whatever moment God has placed me in.  To remember that I have never known what my life will be like tomorrow, but that God does.  And to rest joyfully in that reality.

Love.