For the moment, at least.
The kiddos went back to their foster family on Sunday afternoon around 3. I have to admit that I'd wondered how they kids would react to leaving. They'd seemed to adjust so well and were incredibly affectionate with me. I kind of worried that they'd be all sad to leave and maybe not even recognize the foster parents (I know, I know). I had to laugh at myself because when the foster parents arrived, the kids were very glad to see them and E, the oldest, when almost immediately to their room and got their bags. Well, alrighty then.
It took a little while to get the car seats switched from my car to the foster family's truck, so we hung out in the front yard, and I gave the kids hugs and told them goodbye, and they clambered into the truck. Then as J was getting strapped in he started to cry. Just looked at me and cried and cried. Oh. It made me tear up. (And feel a little better. Yes, I'm ashamed to admit it, but there it is.)
It's so hard to believe that I may never see these guys again. I think I may be in denial or something. Shouldn't that make me cry and cry? It makes me a little teary, but that's about it. Am I too hard-hearted to feel anything? Am I being protective of myself? Is it just normal because I only had them 10 days? I don't know. It's weird. The whole thing feels weird right now.
Having said that, though, I'm in for more kids. The agency called me last week to ask about my taking on two little boys - 1 and 2 - and I had to say "no." I told them that I was probably going to need some time to catch my breath after the first three left, and that I thought I was more interested in older kiddos. There's somthing to be said for children who can actually communicate with you. The agency people I talked with were completely understanding on both things. I'm so glad.
Lessons learned over the whole week and a half:
1. Still think three is too many.
2. Still not interested in diapers again.
3. It gets better. It was really nice to feel like I could see progress with the kids over the course of the week. In those first few days I didn't know there would be.
4. The end of the day is hard. I felt like I managed my emotions pretty well during the day as a whole. But by bathtime I was done emotionally. Which I couldn't really be. I was startled/humbled by the frustration/anger I sometimes felt just trying to get the boys bathed.
5. It really does take a village. :) I was awed by the time/toys/meals/chairs/bed/diapers people shared with us. THANK YOU!!
6. I'm up for trying it again.
Love.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Day 5 1/2
What a difference a few days make. Not in terms of my exhaustion level, mind you, but at least in terms of feeling some degree of control over the little munchkins running around the house. It's a small degree, I'll grant you, but it's enough to keep me from calling the whole thing off.
I did make it to church on Sunday, which was an incredible gift. I didn't cry at all. At least not until I walked in the door at home and got a call from P&S asking when we could come over and what they could do to help. Then I started crying to the point that I couldn't finish the conversation. What in the world?! Anyway, sweet S arrived about 10 minutes later and helped me get everyone (including me, though I didn't sleep) down for a nap. After the kids woke up, we went an hung out with the PSWJ gang and had a great time. Although I did cry again as we were leaving.
The good news is that I seemed to have expended all my weeping the first couple of days. With a LOT of help from friends and family, I've managed to negotiate the last few days without any tears. Well, in all fairness, I should say no tears on my part.
The boys are still getting up at a painfully early hour, but after chatting with a friend at church, I've been putting them back in bed and telling them they needed to stay there until it was daylight. J, the younger boy, goes back to sleep. E, on the other hand.... I really just think he's awake and not able to sleep any more. But I'm still trying to get him to stay down until I can see some glimmer of light in the windows. It's the principle of the thing at this point. And for the last two mornings we've stayed in bed until after 6. This morning A slept until after 7. Heaven.
Bed time has improved drastically, too. After a particularly disturbing round of J shrieking at the top of his lungs and hurling himself from one end of the bed to the other (and off a couple of times), I took him into my room to try to avoid waking the baby (astonishingly she slept through the initial meltdown). I put him on my bed and told him sternly he needed to settle down. He lay on his back and glared at me for about 20 seconds. Then he rolled over, crawled under the covers and fell asleep. Uh. OK. When I came out of my room, my roommate said in a whisper, "I can't even hear him!" And I said, "That's because he's asleep." C: "How did that happen?!" Me: "I have no idea!" He starts out the night in my bed now. If he were staying longer, I'd try to figure out a way to avoid that. In this situation, though, I'm calling it good.
On Friday, the kids are headed to San Antonio for a parent visit. I am not going to be the one driving them. I feel bad about that, but the thought of driving to an office I'm unfamiliar with in a city I don't know with three little ones (and only two hands) filled me with dread. The sweet case worker is taking on that task. I will spend the time they are gone sleeping or going to the grocery store or reading at Starbucks. Or possible just sitting on the couch staring into middle distance. If you're in a praying state of mind, please pray for the kids' visit with their mom - both for them and for her - and for the aftermath of the visit. My understanding is that it can be very hard for the children.
Thank you all so much for your prayers. They've made the world of difference.
Love.
I did make it to church on Sunday, which was an incredible gift. I didn't cry at all. At least not until I walked in the door at home and got a call from P&S asking when we could come over and what they could do to help. Then I started crying to the point that I couldn't finish the conversation. What in the world?! Anyway, sweet S arrived about 10 minutes later and helped me get everyone (including me, though I didn't sleep) down for a nap. After the kids woke up, we went an hung out with the PSWJ gang and had a great time. Although I did cry again as we were leaving.
The good news is that I seemed to have expended all my weeping the first couple of days. With a LOT of help from friends and family, I've managed to negotiate the last few days without any tears. Well, in all fairness, I should say no tears on my part.
The boys are still getting up at a painfully early hour, but after chatting with a friend at church, I've been putting them back in bed and telling them they needed to stay there until it was daylight. J, the younger boy, goes back to sleep. E, on the other hand.... I really just think he's awake and not able to sleep any more. But I'm still trying to get him to stay down until I can see some glimmer of light in the windows. It's the principle of the thing at this point. And for the last two mornings we've stayed in bed until after 6. This morning A slept until after 7. Heaven.
Bed time has improved drastically, too. After a particularly disturbing round of J shrieking at the top of his lungs and hurling himself from one end of the bed to the other (and off a couple of times), I took him into my room to try to avoid waking the baby (astonishingly she slept through the initial meltdown). I put him on my bed and told him sternly he needed to settle down. He lay on his back and glared at me for about 20 seconds. Then he rolled over, crawled under the covers and fell asleep. Uh. OK. When I came out of my room, my roommate said in a whisper, "I can't even hear him!" And I said, "That's because he's asleep." C: "How did that happen?!" Me: "I have no idea!" He starts out the night in my bed now. If he were staying longer, I'd try to figure out a way to avoid that. In this situation, though, I'm calling it good.
On Friday, the kids are headed to San Antonio for a parent visit. I am not going to be the one driving them. I feel bad about that, but the thought of driving to an office I'm unfamiliar with in a city I don't know with three little ones (and only two hands) filled me with dread. The sweet case worker is taking on that task. I will spend the time they are gone sleeping or going to the grocery store or reading at Starbucks. Or possible just sitting on the couch staring into middle distance. If you're in a praying state of mind, please pray for the kids' visit with their mom - both for them and for her - and for the aftermath of the visit. My understanding is that it can be very hard for the children.
Thank you all so much for your prayers. They've made the world of difference.
Love.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Day 1 1/2
It's the end of the first full day. Which started at around 5am. At least that's when I finally realized that trying to get the older boy, E, back to sleep was a non-starter. I'd gotten up around 4:30 and gone out to check on the kids (I'd woken up around 4) and E was standing out in the hall. Just standing there, poor thing. I asked him if he needed to go potty, he said yes, we did that and I got him back in bed. A little while later I heard some noises, went to check and he's sitting on the floor in his room with a toy. I put him back in bed. A little while later, more noise. I got up and this time it was him and his younger brother, J, sitting on the floor with toys. I gave up. In the hopes of keeping the 18 month old asleep, we went out into the living room and played cars. The baby, A, slept until 6.
Woo?
It's now 8:05pm. I'm sitting in my comfy chair in the corner of my room, drinking a glass of wine and eating cold pasta while Daisy chases her food-dispensing toy around the room. I'm just going tozzzzzzzzzzz.
Oh, sorry. Wow, am I tired. It has been a loooooong day. And even now, one of the kiddos started crying in his sleep and needed to be walked around for a little while.
So. Here's what I've learned so far:
1. Three is too many for this single girl. Steinle, I will say it with my outside voice, "You were right."
2. No more diapers.
3. I didn't really know the meaning of the word "overwhelmed" until this morning. I seriously started crying everytime I thought about the rest of the day and week, That coupled with the amazing support I've had from my family and friends and even strangers from church meant that I sat on the floor and wiped my eyes while I identified the color of every block in an enormous bucket of blocks multiple times. I'm doing it again right now. Welcome to crazy-town!
The thing is, they're really sweet kids. It isn't like it's been horrible. AT ALL. I mean, they're kids, and all they're being is who they are - loving, demanding, energetic, contrary, hilarious, stubborn. But it's a lot, I'll admit.
I'm going to try to make it to church tomorrow. It's been weeks, what with being out of town, and I miss it. And I think I need it. I'll probably sit in the back, lest I spend the whole hour weeping. :)
Love.
Woo?
It's now 8:05pm. I'm sitting in my comfy chair in the corner of my room, drinking a glass of wine and eating cold pasta while Daisy chases her food-dispensing toy around the room. I'm just going tozzzzzzzzzzz.
Oh, sorry. Wow, am I tired. It has been a loooooong day. And even now, one of the kiddos started crying in his sleep and needed to be walked around for a little while.
So. Here's what I've learned so far:
1. Three is too many for this single girl. Steinle, I will say it with my outside voice, "You were right."
2. No more diapers.
3. I didn't really know the meaning of the word "overwhelmed" until this morning. I seriously started crying everytime I thought about the rest of the day and week, That coupled with the amazing support I've had from my family and friends and even strangers from church meant that I sat on the floor and wiped my eyes while I identified the color of every block in an enormous bucket of blocks multiple times. I'm doing it again right now. Welcome to crazy-town!
The thing is, they're really sweet kids. It isn't like it's been horrible. AT ALL. I mean, they're kids, and all they're being is who they are - loving, demanding, energetic, contrary, hilarious, stubborn. But it's a lot, I'll admit.
I'm going to try to make it to church tomorrow. It's been weeks, what with being out of town, and I miss it. And I think I need it. I'll probably sit in the back, lest I spend the whole hour weeping. :)
Love.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
The next step
So, the adventure begins on Friday.
I haven't been licensed yet, but I've been asked to do respite care for three little ones for 10 days. There is a four-year-old boy, an almost three-year-old boy, and an 18 month old girl. Good heavens. What was I thinking when I agreed to this?
Mostly, I guess I was thinking that I've got to start some place. And that "hard" is probably going to be the word of the hour - possibly every hour - of being a foster parent, so the fact that three kiddos will be hard isn't necessarily a reason not to help out. And that God had His reasons for having me be the person called for this particular set of kids.
As nervous as I am, I also know that God has been preparing the way. I have had so many offers of help - time, food, etc. I feel amazingly cared for.
But I'm still nervous.
Love.
I haven't been licensed yet, but I've been asked to do respite care for three little ones for 10 days. There is a four-year-old boy, an almost three-year-old boy, and an 18 month old girl. Good heavens. What was I thinking when I agreed to this?
Mostly, I guess I was thinking that I've got to start some place. And that "hard" is probably going to be the word of the hour - possibly every hour - of being a foster parent, so the fact that three kiddos will be hard isn't necessarily a reason not to help out. And that God had His reasons for having me be the person called for this particular set of kids.
As nervous as I am, I also know that God has been preparing the way. I have had so many offers of help - time, food, etc. I feel amazingly cared for.
But I'm still nervous.
Love.
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